A Mighty Wind

It's been so windy here in my neck of the woods! Paulina and I were going to go bike riding yesterday, but we decided to go walking instead. I think we walked about four miles, and it was nice because we were able to catch up and talk. As we were walking back from the canyon, Jimmy's truck passed us by. It was my first time seeing him since we broke up last week. I waved, mostly out of reaction, and he seemed like he could barely muster a wave back. I'm sad about it. It was all I could do to not cry right there on the side of the road. How do two people who loved each other and meant a lot to each other get to a point where they can't be around each other?

I'm here at school and thank Goddess it's Friday! Although, it's almost a sad thing because I have no money right now and no one to hang out with. Well, I could always go to Diego's where Ozzie works, but it takes money to hang out there because it's a bar. Ozzie is a good friend and always makes me feel better.

As far as eating, last night I didn't do so bad, but I still binged on some mac and cheese. Not as much as I usually eat, though. This morning, I had a rice cake and then for nutrition hour, I had a pancake on a stick and a serving of milk.

Lunch is potluck, so hopefully it will be good!

So far, so good . . .

Last night I overate again! I just kept on eating bowls of malt-o-meal until I couldn't eat anymore. My belly was literally FULL.

But, today is a NEW day! I did okay this morning. I ate a bowl of oatmeal and piece of buttered toast. For a snack, I had a handful of edamame nuts. Lunch will be spaghetti, a piece of bread, and some sort of veggie. I am a school teacher, so I eat the school lunch.

I did not go bike riding yesterday, so I will use that as one of my days off. Today, Paulina and I will go bike riding up the canyon. It's such a beautiful ride and it's so exhilerating. As I was riding through it a few days ago, I was thinking that this is the only way I want to travel through the cayon--on my bike. I am enjoying biking so much that it doesn't even feel like an exercise.

Are there any other people out there who are starting to bike?

Such a Slacker!

This is my first time logging on in a long time! I have not been keeping up with writing down everything I've eaten, and that's been a lot. Dang! Well, my boyfriend and I broke up and I've been eating constantly since then. I can't seem to stop. When I miss Jimmy, I eat. When I get mad about him cheating on me, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat.

On the upside, I've found a new "sport" I love. Bike riding. I've been biking everyday after school.

Lost 5 Pounds

But the hard way--I had the flu this whole past week. Last Tuesday afternoon I was attacked with severe aches and pains. I hate being sick. I had no appetite and hardly ate anything throughout my sickness. I'll start recording today what I am eating/doing for phsyical exercise.

Today, I have not eaten anything. I am still a little sick, so no appetite. Will eat soup for lunch. No exercise. Hopefully, I'll be able to start riding my bike to work next week. And I miss hiking.

Anyone out there?

This Weight Has Gotta Go

I feel so sluggish and gross. And upset with myself. I have spent so much time working on my spiritual self, my mental/emotional self, yet neglecting my physical self. I feel very overwhelmed with even trying to start losing weight. I can't afford anything life Weight Watcher's, so I am going to commit to blogging about my weight loss/get fit endeavors. I am hoping to find more folks on here who would like buddy up with me to try to motivate each other.

So, no exercise yet for today. I am a teacher and I am soooooooo exhausted by the end of the day. I do after school tutoring until 5:30, and by the time I get home, I am too tired to exercise. I also feel like I'm coming down with the flu, body aches ALL over. Slight fever. Exhaustion. I do work around kids, so it's no shocker.

This past Saturday I did enough of a work out to last all week :) I did a hard 7 hour hike where I used my whole body to do climbing, etc. I didn't eat much that day. Sunday, I took a small hike near the Canyon. Monday, did nothing. Tuesday, which is tonight, I will try to do a yoga video before bed.

What I've eaten today:
6 small pretzel sticks
water
1 slice of cafeteria pizza
salad
tangerine
1 small bite of organic peanut butter granola bar

I haven't eaten dinner yet, so we'll see.

I just know it's time to take my health under control.

Alhana T. Skye

Rain Rain Go Away . . .

Come again another day. I remember singing this when I was a child. Quite often. I would wish it wasn't raining so I could be outside, barefoot, in the sunshine playing with my tree and animal friends. I find myself wishing it now. Odd, because I live in a state of the US where rain is precious and wonderful and valuable. But here, in Tingo Maria, I want it to stop raining. I don't want it be gray outside. The environment is stunning, absolutely amazing, and I am stuck inside. BUT. Maybe this is what I need. I have been feeling physically and spiritually run down lately. I guess it's normal after my climactic aya experience which I am still digesting. We have been on the road since early Tuesday morning, hoping to have arrived in Cusco by now, but we have not even reached our halfway mark yet, which is La Oroya. Melusine has taught me much about traveling cheaply, way cheaply, but this way also takes waaaaaay longer. We have met resistance along the way in the form of not being able to find camionetas or camions (little trucks or big, delivery trucks) that are willing to take a group of four. After waiting almost two days in Tocache, we finally met Alex, who drives a petroleum truck. He agreed to bring us to Tingo Maria for free. Sweet man. Melusine and I got to ride up front with him while the muchachos had to ride in the back, under a tarp. At one point, right outside of Tocache, we were stopped by the policia. I looked at Alex, trying to gauge how worried he was. He appeared unruffled even though it is illegal to transport people in the back of trucks. The police asked him what he was carrying, asked to see his papers, and then commenced to climb the ladder leading to the back of the truck. Melu and I were holding our breath, hoping he wouldn't see the guys back there. They were back there a long time, the police and Alex, and then Alex finally returned. He said he had to pay the 10 soles, which is not a whole lot, and we were all really relieved. We felt a little sorry for the guys, knowing how they must have felt. So, now we're in Tingo and really want to get on the road again. It seems that I am having to let go of my attachment to the idea of going back to San Roque to work with the kids. At this rate, we won't reach Machu Picchu for at least a week, then we are still going to Lake Titicaca, the floating islands, and into Bolivia where I would like to spend at least a week. Everyone says how much cheaper it is to travel in Bolivia than Peru and it's a relief. Staying there longer might be a consideration, but who knows? One day at a time. I have been feeling poopy lately--my stomach is so fickle. I think I will give it a break today by not eating anything. I need to balance myself out again. Poor Joakim is really bad off. He has resorted to taking his antibacterial medicine. It seems he is in the restroom all of the time. I haven´t had a lot of time alone and I can feel the strain of not processing or not reflecting on what is happening. Haven't been able to sit in solitude to take things in, and when that happens, my energy level becomes depleted. Just sitting here, journaling, is healing for me. A release. I miss Jimmy, my man. Weird how sometimes you have to travel halfway across the world, or at least to another hemisphere, to realize what you really do want. Traveling is grand, I really enjoy it. But I miss the beauty and simplicity of my small village. I miss my life in Pecos and I certainly miss my Love. I think we both are coming to realize how much we mean to one another. Before coming here, before ayahuasca, before an immense healing, I loved him with a love that could have been called neediness. I needed him. I, without realizing it, was putting too much on him and was not loving him for the sake of love. I was attached. I was clingy. I thought I would be miserable without him. I quit taking from my Source, placing him instead in that space. And from this objectivity, I can see it all now. When things were bad between us, or at least shaky, my confidence in myself was shaky. I was sad. I couldn't be happy. And now I can see how unhealthy it all was. I guess a part of me was worried that if I came down here, I would realize that didn't want to be with him, or that I had only been with him for comfort and security. But nope. I realize that comfort and security were some of the reasons I was with him, but also because of love. Genuine love. I can feel that love inside of me and it is beautiful. Light. I want him to be happy. His happiness means a lot to me. I want to share in his life and he in mine. Before I left to Peru, he let me go. This was a selfless act of Love on his part. I didn't understand. I felt rejected, but now I can see how much wisdom this man has. But I also think he was confused, too. We had reached a point where we both didn't know what we wanted. And now, from his emails and conversations, I can see us growing closer, realizing what a precious thing we have in one another. Love. But there is so much to see in Peru and I am choosing to live my life moment by moment. No planning. No worrying. Just daily breathing in and out. I am reading a book called A Manual for Mindfulness and it reminds me how unless we can live in the moment in mindfulness and awareness, we are not truly living at all.

Kitty Wants to Play

My fourth and last ayahuasca session was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more different than I thought it´d be. Oh, silly Jenn. When will you realize not to limit Aya? I had journaled and prayed to Aya to show me more transcendant Love. Flying and soaring again. I wanted more of that. I also did give specific requests of her: -my relationship with Jimmy -what should I do when I get back home? Teach or yurt company or what???? So, when Aya took over, I was surprised that I kept feeling base and carnal sensations. Where was my journey upward? Another journey to the Underworld? I thought I was done. Time to fly. But nope. I kept being taken to a place, a hot, moist place. Orange. Everwhere. Not a bright orange, but more like a burnt orange. Hell?? I didn´t feel fear, but just a detached curiosity. And then a face was instantly in front of me. A beautiful cat woman. She looked like what I think Bast, the Egyptian Cat Goddess, would look like. I could hear her purring. Walking back and forth a cage, restless. She began talking to me. "You´ve kept me in this cage for so long. I want to be free. I want to be let out and walk with you." Me: (thinking) What? She read my thoughts. "I´m not bad," she said. "That´s only what you´ve been told." Her voice was seductive, I felt even myself being seduced. "Come on, let me out. I am a part of you, good for you, but you´ve grown up believing I´m so bad, bad, bad. Trust me. Let me out. I am instinct. I am desire. I want to free you." I started to feel this overwhelming sense of panic, which surprised me because I thought I had released all fear. And then I knew. It was my little girl, resisting, not wanting her to join us. She wanted for us to stay young and light and free of complications. Ahhhh. "Sweet little girl. We don´t have to be afraid. She won´t hurt us. She´s not bad, but a part of us who wants to come home, just like how you did. Shhhhhh." I rubbed her head until I felt her calm down. Turning towards the Cat Woman, I told her, "Okay. Yes. I want you with us." And then I walked to her cage and let her out. Her purring was so loud. She was so pleased and walked out and rubbed up against me. I could feel her seduction. Her feminine energy and marveled that she was a part of me. Again, she read my thoughts. "Everyone woman has something like me in them, but not everyone is as brave as you to let it out. I am not bad. I am a natural part of existence and a natural part of you. I have much to show you and we have much to make up for." Again, a slight fear and doubt that I had done the right thing, but I was able to take that off me like a cloak and toss it to the ground. Screw my upbringing that made me feel that sex is bad. My religion that caged me in. I had already taken care of the fears of the abuse, they were gone, but I realized I was at a crossroads where I could walk away from false beliefs taught to me through church. And I did. I, my little girl, and my Cat Woman, together, turned and walked into the orange light. The rest of my aya trip was filled with purring, so loud I could hear it in my ears, vibrating. A sense of satiety. It was also filled with a raw, feminine energy . . . power. I felt my body moving to the icaros the shamans were singing. Moving, moving. And then Aya came to me. Like a beautiful serpent and danced with me. We were mirrors for each other. I exulted in being a woman and for the first time, felt the power of womanhood coursing through my body. My mind. My existence. As for the orange light?? My second chakra bursting open. Hallelujah, the floodgates have broken. Here come the waters.