My Cup Runneth Over

Things are daily falling into place for my trip to Peru. I am meeting people who know people . . . I may have met my Shaman. Ayahuasca is calling me. Plans are being thrown out the window. Spirit is getting me ready.

I met a woman online named Rebecca who mirrors me in many ways. She is three years younger than me, but seems wiser and older. I have learned much from her already and her courage and openness warms my heart.

She has a shaman named Herbert who I've been in contact with several times. I like him already. My spirit feels good about him and about meeting up with him in Iquitos. Perhaps I'll meet him in Lima. Spirit knows.

For now, I go to the river to take from the apple.
Blessed be my fellow Goddesses!
ALhana

Sweet sweet Goddess of my soul

Lead me on I will follow Open my eyes I will see Take me deep I will swim Fly me high I will soar Sweet Goddess Sweet Mother Dark Mother Mother of Light lead me on My soul is being prepared, opened up for what I'm going to experience. On some level, some plane, I already know. It's already happened. On this level, my higher Self is preparing me. It's as if a million sensory radars are buzzing, alive, warming up. And my soul is roaring to be set free in me. I am a dramatically different person today than even a year ago. I knew I had to take care of some business when I came home, hard business. Letting go of who I was growing up, facing up to my mother, someone who has such a strong influence over me. You see, growing up I've always been the Pleaser and the Peacemaker. I did what other people expected of me, not even knowing, or daring to know who I really was. I left Texas to find my freedom in New Mexico, land of my heart. And freedom I did find. I believe in my heart of hearts that had I not followed Spirit to a healing place, I would not be going to Peru in three days. I spent a year in sweet bliss, experiencing utter happiness and joy. It was there my wings developed. It was there I listened to my soul. It was there I finally felt free to break out of my shell. AND THEN . . . things got hard. I had an experience that shook me up. I left my job. My boyfriend and I broke up. Examining my life, my energy, I realized it was time to step up to the next level. You see, I'm not satisfied with mediocrity. With living life so/so. I want to give my all. I want to be consumed with Fire, Passion, Love, Compassion, Spirit. And this is what Goddess wants for me. The next hard thing I would have to do is confront my mom. Let go. Of so many things. Of her image of her perfect daughter. Of pleasing her. Because it is time. Spirit is burning away fears and attachments. All I have to do is let go. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh sweet aya is calling me. I feel apprehension. I feel a tinge of fear. But I can no longer turn back. I've reached, inside of me, the point of no return.

Thank Goddess for Friends!

After spending almost a whole week side by side my mother cooking for Thanksgiving, I was finally able to spend some time away from my family. I really needed it because on T-Day, my mom and I got into an argument and I stormed out towards the creek. I just needed to get away for a while and find myself-balance.

Friday night, my sister took me to pick Gillian up from work and then dropped us off at her house.

Truth or Consequences

So we ended up finding a place to stay on Saturday night. We lucked out and scored a great room at Riverbend Hot Springs in T or C. I had never been there before (T or C) and I must say, it is quite the quaint little desert town. Surprisingly, it is very artistic and cute. There's even a health food store called Little Sprouts. We had breakfast at a little hole in the wall diner called Cuchillo Cafe. Carly and I had the blue huevos rancheros; they were pretty good. After eating there, we walked down the street looking in shop windows. There seem to be quite a few alternative shops there. Hmmmmm. It was so nice to soak in the hot springs--I really needed it. We were the last people in them and some of the first people in them in the morning. There was one guy who kept trying to talk to Carly and she couldn't get away from him. It was funny. Our trip to Austin was sooooooooooooooo long. We took turns driving and made it here around 9 at night. Not bad. Seeing my family is good; I only hope this can be a relaxing visit--NO STRESS!

D-Day

Today is Departure Day #1. I'm leaving behind everything safe to me and heading to tumultous waters. I am going home for twelve days and as much as I love my family, if I'm not careful, I could drown while I'm there. I am excited to see them, especially my mom, sister, brother, and nephew.

I've enjoyed a lazy morning of finishing packing, reminiscing, being a little sad, a lot excited, being in the moment. I have this feeling that I am walking out on the old me, the new is beginning, and it's an odd sensation. I think that's why I feel kind of sad. It's normal.

J. and I had a great last hurrah before I leave. We hung out Thursday night. (I think he may have had a date Friday, which is weird, but I'm wanting him to be happy.) We met at Diego's where E. kept refilling my margaritas. I had to keep myself in check because there was no way I was going to allow myself to get all blubbery on our last night. He then took me to a sweet little restaurant called El Nito where the food is REALLY good. Man, we had the best time. There was so much intimacy between us, so much love, I could almost feel it. And you know what? We held hands, hugged, kissed to express that love. I didn't feel like we had taken steps backwards, or that we were doing things we were going to regret later, but instead, us touching each other, holding hands seemed so natural. We're not going to see each other for a long time, by which we might not be in that space. It was a tender goodbye. We went to the Hotel San Fransisco for a last Stella . . . . I love that man. I am so thankful for this graciously sweet goodbye.

Now it's time for hello . . .

Susannah and Carly are coming to pick me up and we're heading to ATX. We're hoping to find some hot springs in southern NM.

Circle of Light

Friday night was our first Santa Fe Wicca Circle and it was lovely. We're a small group of six. Santa Fe has surprisingly little Pagan culture, so you can imagine how excited I was to see Raven's posting for a circle. We met at Raven's house, got to know each other and then sat to do ritual. We used the New Moon as a time to release that which we didn't want to carry with us into our new year. We wrote them on leaves, released them in our minds, and then burned them in the cauldron. After releasing the old, we wrote our intentions we wanted to carry into the new year on a beautiful parchment to keep on our altars. We sang, and then onto cake and wine. It was simple, yet refreshing. I feel blessed to connect with others this way. It's been a long time since I've had a group of female friends. I've missed the companionship. I need kindred spirits.

Power Centers

I bought a book today about Chakras. I don't know much about them, but have been reading more about them here and there in the past two weeks. I have been feeling off, so I'm curious to see what I learn.

Evie is taking her toll on me. I just don't know that I'm mommy material. I normally don't think about this all of the time, but watching Evie these past three weeks has made me think about it on a daily basis. You give up so much of yourself when you have a child. Time. Energy. Attention. Money. And as much as I know I can do it, do I want to do it?