Dissecting the Monster

The whole next morning I walked with this lingering feeling of sadness and futility. Sitting on the ground of my casita, I wallowed in misery. Alberto came to bring me my lunch, but I wasn´t hungry. I had no appetite for anything that would sustain me. He asked how I was doing and I told him about the demons. I told him I was still scared of losing myself in my own misery and never being able to feel joy again. He told me I had to not focus on the darkness, but instead dwell on the Light. My faith. Prayer. I told him I felt I had lost my faith and where do I go from there? He told me about a person who had recently done dieta for a month and a half! This person had several demons that she slept with and who were not pleased at her attempts at healing herself. I didn´t allow the fear to show on my face, but a sudden further dreading rose to the surface. Would I be like that? We talked a little bit longer before he left to deliver the rest of the meals. I sat in my hammock an just stared out. I tried to sing the song that had been helping me so much: "Love, Love, Love, Love, People we are made to Love, Love each other as ourselves, for We are one . . ." The fear gripped harder, and then I remembered a song I learned growing up . . . "God´s not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Power to overcome, overcome the enemy. God´s not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of Love, and a sound mind." I was able to whisper this song a few times and then I felt my voice gettting stronger. Stronger. Bolder. I felt a crack and Light coming in and felt Love. Love is the Key. Love is the answer. This thought, this truth invaded my dark dungeon and showed me that I alone had been keeping myself there. I felt that the more I dwelled on Love, the more it manifested within me, the more free I became. Could it be this easy, I kept thinking. And it was. Love. Soaring on wings high above the pain, the darkness and being able to see clearer what it was that was scaring me. Immobilizing me. I figured if I was going to face this thing again tomorrow, I should know exactly what it was. So, I dissected it. This is what I found. The monster was me. You know the little girl I was calling for? How I could never find her? She disguised herself as this horrible monster, demons even, to keep me out. To keep everything out. She lived and existed in her own darkness and I encountered her, threatening her "secure" existence where she lived on her terms. She didn´t have that growing up. She couldn´t live on her terms. She disappeared from my life when I was six, secluding herself from having to feel shame, guilt, pain, anger. She lived with the fear that she had caused this abuse to happen to her. That she had somehow seduced her abuser, causing her pain and his downfall. She lived in the belief that sex was painful and bad and not for her own pleasure, but for the sorry pleasure of who was taking her. She thought sex was bad. She thought sex was dirty. Dirty. Dirty. She knew she didn´t deserve love or light or happiness, and so she lived in darkness in the form of this monster that I would see or feel when I did shrooms or in this case, ayahuasca. This is why I could never conjure her up in my mind. She tried to disappear. But. I felt her shame and guilt. In my life. I´d always had a hard time with sex. With relationships. With trusting. With loving. With being loved. With needing too much. With an obession with feeling secure. Why???? I had been to counseling. I had been journaling since I was 8. I had read countless books on relationships. I tried telling myself I loved myself. But how could I? I was disjointed. Fragmented. Isolated. And then I knew. Instead of going into to slay the monster, I was to go in and Love her. Love me. I knew my mission was to walk into that darkness and fear and finally take my little girl self out of that crap. Out of that shame. Out of her hell. I meditated on love all that day and the whole next. Love. Love. Love. Love transcends all. Perfect Love casts out fear. Love covers a multitude of sins. Even ones that were not my own. I was ready. Still nervous, but armed with the greatest weapon, the greatest tool, the strongest healing balm ever.