Oh Shit!

Was the thought I had thirty minutes into my second Ayahuasca session on Thursday night. Don´t get me wrong-after my first light filled session last Wednesday, I was going into this thinking it would not be strong enough to take me deep enough to find that bastard of a monster and slay him. Oh, the cockiness of ignorance. As soon as I drank the salty elixer of mama aya, I began to look for the little girl inside of me. I´ve always had a hard time finding her, actually, have never been able to--she hides really well. But, I´m looking and I´m saying, "Don´t worry, we´re gonna get that monster and end this tonight." I didn´t trust the ayahuasca to do her thing, so I took matters in my own hands. And suddenly, WHAM, I am tunneled through this hazy darkness and am standing before a giant, I´m talking size of a mountain, black octopus with yellow, evil eyes. Right about then is when I´m think, what the fuck? Crap, I´m not ready! I panicked and allowed myself to be enveloped in a blanket of fear so thick that all signs of joy and any young shoots of life were instantly smothered. I was immobilized. I started to pant heavily, causing Alberto to come smudge me off. He tried sucking the negative energy through my crown, but nothing. I was in my worst nightmare, and let me tell you, it was the same experience as the mushroom experience. The only saving grace was that I knew I wasn´t alone like I was last time, and I knew I wouldn´t die. This is ego dying, I tried to tell myself but I was in my own personal hell and there was no reasoning with my ego. Damn. Damn. Damn. Scary ass shit. And that was just the beginning. I saw demons that I felt had been with me since childhood. I saw one demon who was laughing and playing on my guilt of leaving chrisianity. He said that it was too late, I was his and there was nothing anyone could do about it. He said I´d better not continue with the ayahuasca dieta. Man, oh man. I quit then. I just quit. I stopped fighting. I believed him. For the rest of the time I just sat there and cried. Big fat tears of sorrow of being imprisoned. I knew I was imprisoned and rather than trying to fight for my freedom, because I had no strength, I chose to accept my fate. The session ended and I could feel the others come to, talking quietly, but not me. I didn´t want to talk to anyone. See anyone. I was once again, a little girl, trapped in her own world. Rebecca started to sing sweetly, and that created a diversion for me for a short while, but still the tears came. The abysss. I had fallen into it and there was no one who could help me. Except myself. Herbert came over to talk to me after everyone had shared was they´d seen. I was too horrified to even try to recount what I was still living in, and he was concerned. He sat in front of me and said that I was a warrior. I had the strength to fight this and to not give up. I had to remember the light. I nodded, but still didn´t believe. We went to empty our vomit buckets in the river, watching the bile and crap that was expelled from us being taken down the river. I looked up and for the first time, saw the stars. It had been cloudy the first two nights, and seeing the stars is what saved me. I laughed with pleasure at their brightness and counted more than ten falling stars. All kinds. I was stuck in a little girl mentality and knew it. Yet, I couldn´t get out of it. Rebecca tried talking to me, but I wasn´t ready. I just sat and stared at the sky. A constant. My constant.