Aya Mama

I drank ayahuasca for the first time this past Wednesday night. I must admit I was nervous and scared, especially after the crazy mushroom experience. I only at a mango and a few sunflower seeds that morning and then nothing for the rest of the day. I wanted to have a clean system for the Vine. Before leaving the hostel, I started to feel sick to my stomach and started burping and thinking I had to go to the bathroom. Rebecca said it was the aya, already working on me. I had so much energy and felt a little scattered. When we got to Rodrigo's house, which is where Herbert was doing the ceremonia, I walked up to the roof because I wanted to feel the cool air on my face. I could see the ocean from the top of his house and this calmed me in a sweet way. Something about the immensity and seeminly infininity of the ocean makes me look at things from the bigger picture. I said a prayer to the Spirit of the Vine and asked her to please be gentle, at least this first time because that's what I felt I needed. I felt Her saying that as long as my heart is pure and my intentions are in the right place, I would be fine. I went back down and into the ceremony room with a lighter heart. I still had a lot of restless energy and knew I needed to ground myself. So I placed my hands on Pachamamma and allowed excess energy to flow back into the earth. Rebecca asked if I'd like to sing some Goddess chants and I said yes, so we sang three and the beauty and light of the Goddess warmed my heart. Not long after, Herbert came in and we started the ceremony. One by one, we came in front of him and were cleansed and were given a small cup of ayahuasca. It had a salty bitter taste. I downed it in one gulp and went to my seat, burping. I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit, but I had a bucket just in case. I felt the energy of the Vine working in me immediately, settling, finding areas in which I needed healing. Herbert began his Icaros and the music was soothing to my soul. Not an ounce of fear entered me, for which I was glad. I was both aware, but not aware, if that makes sense. Like an objective viewer of what was going on. My thoughts were scattered, flying about madly, images coming and going. At one point, I saw a set of dingy looking stairs descending into the darkness, almost like a cellar. I wanted to walk there, but the image was immediately gone. I saw images of doors and doorknobs, which I know represent what I have hidde and repressed. I respect that this night was not the night to open that door. Maybe during la dieta. I saw images of snakes, which I later found out everyone saw. Manuel says that the snake is the symbol of the Vine and this is how she shows herself to us. I also saw a beautiful BIG brown woman with braids, coming down her back. I only saw her from behind, but she was radiating love and warmth. Pachamamma, I believe. She is the Peruvian earth mamma, warm and brown. Maybe next time, she will show her face to me. Maybe her face will be mine. Besides the images I saw, I also felt a lot. Love. Enveloping. I don't truly love myself. I can say I do, but in the end, the false belief I've been carrying around with me forever is that I am dirty. Not good enough to be loved. Second rate. Second hand. And that I only deserve second hand love, not the real thing. I judge myself. Daily. I felt the Love of this Beautiful Sacred Mother filling me. Showing me how truly beautiful I am. And that I am love. I just have to awaken to it. Accept it. And then She told me She was going to make me vomit. Hate. Loathe. Disgust. Repression. Fear. Anxiety. Denial. Toxins toxins coming out of me in every burp, tear, and finally in the wretched wreching of my gut. All spewed out, ejected from my body, my belly, the core of where I hold my stuff. And when that happened, Herbert was there, praying over me, blowing the tobacco over me, around me. And I felt the sweet release and the Mother holding my hand. After the ceremony, Herbert told me my Spirits gave him a hard time and made him work really hard. They were flying all over the place and all around him. When he sent them back to me, that's when I vomited. He said he knows that he has to help me work with rooting myself, my root chakra, and that my plant allyw was ajo sacha and tobacco. More to come . . .