Rain Rain Go Away . . .

Come again another day. I remember singing this when I was a child. Quite often. I would wish it wasn't raining so I could be outside, barefoot, in the sunshine playing with my tree and animal friends. I find myself wishing it now. Odd, because I live in a state of the US where rain is precious and wonderful and valuable. But here, in Tingo Maria, I want it to stop raining. I don't want it be gray outside. The environment is stunning, absolutely amazing, and I am stuck inside. BUT. Maybe this is what I need. I have been feeling physically and spiritually run down lately. I guess it's normal after my climactic aya experience which I am still digesting. We have been on the road since early Tuesday morning, hoping to have arrived in Cusco by now, but we have not even reached our halfway mark yet, which is La Oroya. Melusine has taught me much about traveling cheaply, way cheaply, but this way also takes waaaaaay longer. We have met resistance along the way in the form of not being able to find camionetas or camions (little trucks or big, delivery trucks) that are willing to take a group of four. After waiting almost two days in Tocache, we finally met Alex, who drives a petroleum truck. He agreed to bring us to Tingo Maria for free. Sweet man. Melusine and I got to ride up front with him while the muchachos had to ride in the back, under a tarp. At one point, right outside of Tocache, we were stopped by the policia. I looked at Alex, trying to gauge how worried he was. He appeared unruffled even though it is illegal to transport people in the back of trucks. The police asked him what he was carrying, asked to see his papers, and then commenced to climb the ladder leading to the back of the truck. Melu and I were holding our breath, hoping he wouldn't see the guys back there. They were back there a long time, the police and Alex, and then Alex finally returned. He said he had to pay the 10 soles, which is not a whole lot, and we were all really relieved. We felt a little sorry for the guys, knowing how they must have felt. So, now we're in Tingo and really want to get on the road again. It seems that I am having to let go of my attachment to the idea of going back to San Roque to work with the kids. At this rate, we won't reach Machu Picchu for at least a week, then we are still going to Lake Titicaca, the floating islands, and into Bolivia where I would like to spend at least a week. Everyone says how much cheaper it is to travel in Bolivia than Peru and it's a relief. Staying there longer might be a consideration, but who knows? One day at a time. I have been feeling poopy lately--my stomach is so fickle. I think I will give it a break today by not eating anything. I need to balance myself out again. Poor Joakim is really bad off. He has resorted to taking his antibacterial medicine. It seems he is in the restroom all of the time. I haven´t had a lot of time alone and I can feel the strain of not processing or not reflecting on what is happening. Haven't been able to sit in solitude to take things in, and when that happens, my energy level becomes depleted. Just sitting here, journaling, is healing for me. A release. I miss Jimmy, my man. Weird how sometimes you have to travel halfway across the world, or at least to another hemisphere, to realize what you really do want. Traveling is grand, I really enjoy it. But I miss the beauty and simplicity of my small village. I miss my life in Pecos and I certainly miss my Love. I think we both are coming to realize how much we mean to one another. Before coming here, before ayahuasca, before an immense healing, I loved him with a love that could have been called neediness. I needed him. I, without realizing it, was putting too much on him and was not loving him for the sake of love. I was attached. I was clingy. I thought I would be miserable without him. I quit taking from my Source, placing him instead in that space. And from this objectivity, I can see it all now. When things were bad between us, or at least shaky, my confidence in myself was shaky. I was sad. I couldn't be happy. And now I can see how unhealthy it all was. I guess a part of me was worried that if I came down here, I would realize that didn't want to be with him, or that I had only been with him for comfort and security. But nope. I realize that comfort and security were some of the reasons I was with him, but also because of love. Genuine love. I can feel that love inside of me and it is beautiful. Light. I want him to be happy. His happiness means a lot to me. I want to share in his life and he in mine. Before I left to Peru, he let me go. This was a selfless act of Love on his part. I didn't understand. I felt rejected, but now I can see how much wisdom this man has. But I also think he was confused, too. We had reached a point where we both didn't know what we wanted. And now, from his emails and conversations, I can see us growing closer, realizing what a precious thing we have in one another. Love. But there is so much to see in Peru and I am choosing to live my life moment by moment. No planning. No worrying. Just daily breathing in and out. I am reading a book called A Manual for Mindfulness and it reminds me how unless we can live in the moment in mindfulness and awareness, we are not truly living at all.

Kitty Wants to Play

My fourth and last ayahuasca session was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more different than I thought it´d be. Oh, silly Jenn. When will you realize not to limit Aya? I had journaled and prayed to Aya to show me more transcendant Love. Flying and soaring again. I wanted more of that. I also did give specific requests of her: -my relationship with Jimmy -what should I do when I get back home? Teach or yurt company or what???? So, when Aya took over, I was surprised that I kept feeling base and carnal sensations. Where was my journey upward? Another journey to the Underworld? I thought I was done. Time to fly. But nope. I kept being taken to a place, a hot, moist place. Orange. Everwhere. Not a bright orange, but more like a burnt orange. Hell?? I didn´t feel fear, but just a detached curiosity. And then a face was instantly in front of me. A beautiful cat woman. She looked like what I think Bast, the Egyptian Cat Goddess, would look like. I could hear her purring. Walking back and forth a cage, restless. She began talking to me. "You´ve kept me in this cage for so long. I want to be free. I want to be let out and walk with you." Me: (thinking) What? She read my thoughts. "I´m not bad," she said. "That´s only what you´ve been told." Her voice was seductive, I felt even myself being seduced. "Come on, let me out. I am a part of you, good for you, but you´ve grown up believing I´m so bad, bad, bad. Trust me. Let me out. I am instinct. I am desire. I want to free you." I started to feel this overwhelming sense of panic, which surprised me because I thought I had released all fear. And then I knew. It was my little girl, resisting, not wanting her to join us. She wanted for us to stay young and light and free of complications. Ahhhh. "Sweet little girl. We don´t have to be afraid. She won´t hurt us. She´s not bad, but a part of us who wants to come home, just like how you did. Shhhhhh." I rubbed her head until I felt her calm down. Turning towards the Cat Woman, I told her, "Okay. Yes. I want you with us." And then I walked to her cage and let her out. Her purring was so loud. She was so pleased and walked out and rubbed up against me. I could feel her seduction. Her feminine energy and marveled that she was a part of me. Again, she read my thoughts. "Everyone woman has something like me in them, but not everyone is as brave as you to let it out. I am not bad. I am a natural part of existence and a natural part of you. I have much to show you and we have much to make up for." Again, a slight fear and doubt that I had done the right thing, but I was able to take that off me like a cloak and toss it to the ground. Screw my upbringing that made me feel that sex is bad. My religion that caged me in. I had already taken care of the fears of the abuse, they were gone, but I realized I was at a crossroads where I could walk away from false beliefs taught to me through church. And I did. I, my little girl, and my Cat Woman, together, turned and walked into the orange light. The rest of my aya trip was filled with purring, so loud I could hear it in my ears, vibrating. A sense of satiety. It was also filled with a raw, feminine energy . . . power. I felt my body moving to the icaros the shamans were singing. Moving, moving. And then Aya came to me. Like a beautiful serpent and danced with me. We were mirrors for each other. I exulted in being a woman and for the first time, felt the power of womanhood coursing through my body. My mind. My existence. As for the orange light?? My second chakra bursting open. Hallelujah, the floodgates have broken. Here come the waters.

Love Conquers All

We sat in darkness, waiting to be called to the center, to be given the elixer of unshrouded mysteries. I was holding Love in my heart. Allowing its strength and solidity to wash over me. Sitting closest to Alberto, I was last to be called. When it was my time, I went shakily and knelt in front of Herbert, who was administering tonight. I held the little cup in my hands, closed my eyes, lifted it above me and said, "I do this for Love. Because I Love myself." I poured the salty concoction into my mouth and allowed it fall freely into my body. As soon as it was in my belly, I began the chant. "Love, Love, Love, Love. People we are made to Love. Love each other as ourselves for we are One." Over and over and over. I felt a sense of peace and rightness. Tonight would be the night. It was failproof. After about thirty minutes, I could feel Aya mama taking over and began to see many things as from a distance. I saw the monster, but not as scary this time because now I knew she was me. She was the one who was scared. She was onto me knowing. I approached her and could see my heart in my chest, filled with Light. The monster grew smaller until she was a wall of muck and mire, dripping gunk and nastiness. I reached my hand into that crap, heart beating with Love for what I was about to see and pull out. And my God. My God. My God. Goddess. I felt her hand. Small. Tiny. She couldn´t resist because I couldn´t resist. She was ready, too. Oh so ready. I had been talking to her all day. Promising her beauty and a different place. Hope. Love. Kindness. Goodness. It´s not your fault. You are not to blame. You are such a beautiful little angel. You deserve to be with me, to experience Love. I Love you. I will not let anyone ever harm you again. Darling. Sweetheart. Because really, she was just that. A six year old girl with much to bear upon her small, frail shoulders. My heart broke at how long she´s lived with this burden. And I saw her. This is an experience I will never forget. After having never been able to remember me as a child, I was now gifted with a rare opportunity to see me from the eyes of a grown-up. A guardian. A teacher. A mentor. She came out, her hand holding mine. She was small and thin. A beautiful brown color, her head bowed down, and man, I just pulled her too me. None of this shame anymore. I held her tight. I hugged her and felt how young she was. So beautiful. So, this is you? This is me? God, I love you. I never want to let you go. I could feel her the warmth of her body in my arms. I let her go and looked her in the eyes. This nightmare is over, you hear me? You no longer have to live where you´ve been living. You are free now. Taste your freedom. You´re going to live with me now, and you´re going to be just fine. At this point, I felt sick in my stomach. I knew it was her. I told her, "Go ahead, throw up all the crap you´ve been living with. Throw it all up. Let it go. Get it out of you." And I held her little body as she doubled over and heaved out black gunk. Tears were streaming down her face and I kept thinking, "How brave. How brave." The rest of my vision was of us playing together, in the river, splashing. Me hugging her. Her letting go. Releasing. And Love. A grateful heart with no bounds. No limits. No fears. No anxiety. Love. Love. Love. And then I was flying in my mind. In the universe. I could feel the vibration of every living thing in my body. No other thoughts. Loss of Ego. Loss of my own Voice. Just One with everything around me. Beautiful. I wanted to stay there forever. Ahhhhhhhhhh. sweet. release. welcome home. we are one.

Dissecting the Monster

The whole next morning I walked with this lingering feeling of sadness and futility. Sitting on the ground of my casita, I wallowed in misery. Alberto came to bring me my lunch, but I wasn´t hungry. I had no appetite for anything that would sustain me. He asked how I was doing and I told him about the demons. I told him I was still scared of losing myself in my own misery and never being able to feel joy again. He told me I had to not focus on the darkness, but instead dwell on the Light. My faith. Prayer. I told him I felt I had lost my faith and where do I go from there? He told me about a person who had recently done dieta for a month and a half! This person had several demons that she slept with and who were not pleased at her attempts at healing herself. I didn´t allow the fear to show on my face, but a sudden further dreading rose to the surface. Would I be like that? We talked a little bit longer before he left to deliver the rest of the meals. I sat in my hammock an just stared out. I tried to sing the song that had been helping me so much: "Love, Love, Love, Love, People we are made to Love, Love each other as ourselves, for We are one . . ." The fear gripped harder, and then I remembered a song I learned growing up . . . "God´s not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind. Power to overcome, overcome the enemy. God´s not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of Love, and a sound mind." I was able to whisper this song a few times and then I felt my voice gettting stronger. Stronger. Bolder. I felt a crack and Light coming in and felt Love. Love is the Key. Love is the answer. This thought, this truth invaded my dark dungeon and showed me that I alone had been keeping myself there. I felt that the more I dwelled on Love, the more it manifested within me, the more free I became. Could it be this easy, I kept thinking. And it was. Love. Soaring on wings high above the pain, the darkness and being able to see clearer what it was that was scaring me. Immobilizing me. I figured if I was going to face this thing again tomorrow, I should know exactly what it was. So, I dissected it. This is what I found. The monster was me. You know the little girl I was calling for? How I could never find her? She disguised herself as this horrible monster, demons even, to keep me out. To keep everything out. She lived and existed in her own darkness and I encountered her, threatening her "secure" existence where she lived on her terms. She didn´t have that growing up. She couldn´t live on her terms. She disappeared from my life when I was six, secluding herself from having to feel shame, guilt, pain, anger. She lived with the fear that she had caused this abuse to happen to her. That she had somehow seduced her abuser, causing her pain and his downfall. She lived in the belief that sex was painful and bad and not for her own pleasure, but for the sorry pleasure of who was taking her. She thought sex was bad. She thought sex was dirty. Dirty. Dirty. She knew she didn´t deserve love or light or happiness, and so she lived in darkness in the form of this monster that I would see or feel when I did shrooms or in this case, ayahuasca. This is why I could never conjure her up in my mind. She tried to disappear. But. I felt her shame and guilt. In my life. I´d always had a hard time with sex. With relationships. With trusting. With loving. With being loved. With needing too much. With an obession with feeling secure. Why???? I had been to counseling. I had been journaling since I was 8. I had read countless books on relationships. I tried telling myself I loved myself. But how could I? I was disjointed. Fragmented. Isolated. And then I knew. Instead of going into to slay the monster, I was to go in and Love her. Love me. I knew my mission was to walk into that darkness and fear and finally take my little girl self out of that crap. Out of that shame. Out of her hell. I meditated on love all that day and the whole next. Love. Love. Love. Love transcends all. Perfect Love casts out fear. Love covers a multitude of sins. Even ones that were not my own. I was ready. Still nervous, but armed with the greatest weapon, the greatest tool, the strongest healing balm ever.

Oh Shit!

Was the thought I had thirty minutes into my second Ayahuasca session on Thursday night. Don´t get me wrong-after my first light filled session last Wednesday, I was going into this thinking it would not be strong enough to take me deep enough to find that bastard of a monster and slay him. Oh, the cockiness of ignorance. As soon as I drank the salty elixer of mama aya, I began to look for the little girl inside of me. I´ve always had a hard time finding her, actually, have never been able to--she hides really well. But, I´m looking and I´m saying, "Don´t worry, we´re gonna get that monster and end this tonight." I didn´t trust the ayahuasca to do her thing, so I took matters in my own hands. And suddenly, WHAM, I am tunneled through this hazy darkness and am standing before a giant, I´m talking size of a mountain, black octopus with yellow, evil eyes. Right about then is when I´m think, what the fuck? Crap, I´m not ready! I panicked and allowed myself to be enveloped in a blanket of fear so thick that all signs of joy and any young shoots of life were instantly smothered. I was immobilized. I started to pant heavily, causing Alberto to come smudge me off. He tried sucking the negative energy through my crown, but nothing. I was in my worst nightmare, and let me tell you, it was the same experience as the mushroom experience. The only saving grace was that I knew I wasn´t alone like I was last time, and I knew I wouldn´t die. This is ego dying, I tried to tell myself but I was in my own personal hell and there was no reasoning with my ego. Damn. Damn. Damn. Scary ass shit. And that was just the beginning. I saw demons that I felt had been with me since childhood. I saw one demon who was laughing and playing on my guilt of leaving chrisianity. He said that it was too late, I was his and there was nothing anyone could do about it. He said I´d better not continue with the ayahuasca dieta. Man, oh man. I quit then. I just quit. I stopped fighting. I believed him. For the rest of the time I just sat there and cried. Big fat tears of sorrow of being imprisoned. I knew I was imprisoned and rather than trying to fight for my freedom, because I had no strength, I chose to accept my fate. The session ended and I could feel the others come to, talking quietly, but not me. I didn´t want to talk to anyone. See anyone. I was once again, a little girl, trapped in her own world. Rebecca started to sing sweetly, and that created a diversion for me for a short while, but still the tears came. The abysss. I had fallen into it and there was no one who could help me. Except myself. Herbert came over to talk to me after everyone had shared was they´d seen. I was too horrified to even try to recount what I was still living in, and he was concerned. He sat in front of me and said that I was a warrior. I had the strength to fight this and to not give up. I had to remember the light. I nodded, but still didn´t believe. We went to empty our vomit buckets in the river, watching the bile and crap that was expelled from us being taken down the river. I looked up and for the first time, saw the stars. It had been cloudy the first two nights, and seeing the stars is what saved me. I laughed with pleasure at their brightness and counted more than ten falling stars. All kinds. I was stuck in a little girl mentality and knew it. Yet, I couldn´t get out of it. Rebecca tried talking to me, but I wasn´t ready. I just sat and stared at the sky. A constant. My constant.

Getting Aquainted

We left Tarapoto around nine am on Tuesday morning and headed toward Champato, which is further in the jungle. I found this small village to be quaint and what I pictured a small yet modern jungle village to be. My drive there was amazing as I had never seen jungle before. I couldn´t take my eyes off how green everything was! I was in love! I also knew, deep in my heart, that this was a perfect place to heal my heart, self, and body. We loaded all of our stuff in a long canoe looking boat with a motor. The river was WIDE and very brown, but still so perfect. Our ride took about fifteen minutes and then we were there. No electricity, no running water, expect the river and a small creek, of course. We met in the main hut for a short while before Herbert taking us to our huts. He had given us hammocks and mosquito nets before and I looked forward to hanging mine up. When we got the first hut, which was only about 400 feet away from the big hut, but not visible, I saw him pondering who to assign to this hut. He looked at all of our faces, before settling on me. I was disappointed, at first, but then realized I´d feel safer being that close to Herbert and Alberto. The huts were really primitive, just a shelter, but no walls. No floors, just dirt. But that´s okay. I had him help me hang my hammock and net, and then walked around to visit the others´homes. Fear is something that has been shadowing me a lot since my mushroom experience. I saw things so scary, I felt such hopelessness and felt so alone, that I couldn´t quite shake this monster Fear off my back. I was on my moon cycle when we first got there and I kept fearing that a jaguar would smell my blood and come rip me to shreds for his-her dinner. I was afraid of spiders. I was afraid of snakes. Mind you, I hadn´t even seen any of these thigns, but I was sure they were coming to get me. Herbert sensed this and wisely put me close to him. That first night, I didn´t sleep for except maybe an hour. I kept hearing sounds that, though beautiful, were so foreign and scary to me. I could literally feel my fear radiating around me and began to fear my fear. I seriously thought if animals hadn´t sensed me before, they surely were now, my fear being like a sonar radar alerting them to a vulnerable soul. Ay. Ay. Ay. The next day I spent time walking around our area, becoming familiar with our surroundings. I also spent a lot of time in my hut, trying to gather feelings of love and security. I was tired, but didn´t let myself sleep because I wanted to sleep that night. And sleep I did. I slept wonderfully. I think the ajo sacha helped. Ah, sweet, garlicy ajo satcha. A root. A garlic of the jungle. I drank it two times that day, it´s burning liquid essence taking residence in my belly, burning, chafing. It reminds me of Kali. Our meals consisted of white rice, boiled plantains and an egg. I found that I wasn´t interested in eating all of my food, so I just listened to my body. We weren´t talking to each other, but instead were living quietly, getting ready for Thursday night´s Aya session. In the jungle, I felt myself missing Jimmy a lot. My sweet man who had the heart and wisdom to release me and let me go. I tried wrapping myself in his love that first night when I was so scared. I imagined we were just camping, because when I´m with him, I´m literally not afraid of the things that normally scare me. Except that I won´t be good enough for him. Or that he´s getting bored with me. Or that I can´t please him sexually. See? The insecurity I needed to get rid of? Ultimately, my goal with this dieta was to face the monster I saw during my bad mushroom trip and to come out alive, exultant. Free.

Tobacco Water

Last Monday night (gosh, it seems much longer than that) I met Alberto for the first time. He is the second shaman I was going to be working with besides Herbert. I had heard much about him from Rebecca, so I was ready to meet his smiling face. He has a sweet, quiet spirit, one that I came to count on and trust over the course of la dieta. He and Herbert sat us down (there were four of us at the time, but our number grew to five participants before the end of the night) and told us that they were going to talk to us individually about what we wanted to work on during la dieta. Herbert told him something about me in quick Spanish, which I didn´t catch, and they asked everyone to leave the room. Sitting in front of them, my heart knowing it was going to begin healing, I trembled silently with the weight of pain and fear. I explained to them that I had been sexually abused for two years when I was little and that I carried much guilt and shame about that. I want to have a normal sex life, a normal relationship, I told them. I don´t want this anxiety, this insecurity, awkardness hanging over me. I want to let go. Tears were streaming down my face but they felt good. A foreshadowing of what was to come. A dam being broken. A release. They told me they were going to give me Ajo Sacha as my plant ally, that it would help ground me and root me. They also said it would be a battle, one that I would have to be strong for, but I could do it. I knew I could. After talking to everyone individually, they decided we were all going to have a vomit fest that night. Alberto would make tobacco water, we´d drink a small amount and then down three huge bottles of water. We were doing to this to get us ready for la dieta and also I think because all of us were complaining of some sort of diahrrea or upset stomach. I hadn´t been able to eat for two days and had no desire to eat food. Later that evening, we all sat around outside, three 2.5 liter bottles of water, a roll of toilet paper, and a vomit bucket. I have always hated throwing up and have had an aversion to it. But this night, the liberation began. It took a while, maybe 25 minutes or so, for me to start feeling the need to expel the contents of my stomach. Others around me began throwing up, Joakim especially, and finally my first came. It was emotionally hard for me to throw up because I was not only throwing up tobacco water, but I was throwing up negativity and fear. I could almost see these things leaving my body and I began to resist. These things I´ve been saying I wanted to get rid of for so long, I had formed an attachment to them. They were, no matter how ugly, a part of me. So, I sat, and drank, and sat, and drank and peed, and finally, after almost everyone else was done, a flood came pouring out of me and I knew I was done. I was empty. I was ready. I don´t recommend that any try this at home as it is not a pleasurable experience and I think it very beneficial to have a guide with you. I´ve lost my fear of vomiting. It is just another way I´ve learned to let go. Gracias a Dios y Diosa!

Return to Civilization

Hello my sweet friends! I´ve made it out alive and whole, which is more than I can say for how I entered. We have just returned from our week long dieta in the jungle near Tarapoto and man, have I got a lot to write! Thing is, I don´t have the time right now, but will later this afternoon. Blew my mind. Opened my second and fourth chakras. Expelled so much crap. Reunited with my little gal self. And invited a vixen, who I´ve been unknowingly keeping hostage for years, to join the family of myself. Purrrrr. She´s happy. I´m happy. Can´t wait to get it all down on "pen and paper", hehehe. Lots of love and light!

Aya Mama

I drank ayahuasca for the first time this past Wednesday night. I must admit I was nervous and scared, especially after the crazy mushroom experience. I only at a mango and a few sunflower seeds that morning and then nothing for the rest of the day. I wanted to have a clean system for the Vine. Before leaving the hostel, I started to feel sick to my stomach and started burping and thinking I had to go to the bathroom. Rebecca said it was the aya, already working on me. I had so much energy and felt a little scattered. When we got to Rodrigo's house, which is where Herbert was doing the ceremonia, I walked up to the roof because I wanted to feel the cool air on my face. I could see the ocean from the top of his house and this calmed me in a sweet way. Something about the immensity and seeminly infininity of the ocean makes me look at things from the bigger picture. I said a prayer to the Spirit of the Vine and asked her to please be gentle, at least this first time because that's what I felt I needed. I felt Her saying that as long as my heart is pure and my intentions are in the right place, I would be fine. I went back down and into the ceremony room with a lighter heart. I still had a lot of restless energy and knew I needed to ground myself. So I placed my hands on Pachamamma and allowed excess energy to flow back into the earth. Rebecca asked if I'd like to sing some Goddess chants and I said yes, so we sang three and the beauty and light of the Goddess warmed my heart. Not long after, Herbert came in and we started the ceremony. One by one, we came in front of him and were cleansed and were given a small cup of ayahuasca. It had a salty bitter taste. I downed it in one gulp and went to my seat, burping. I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit, but I had a bucket just in case. I felt the energy of the Vine working in me immediately, settling, finding areas in which I needed healing. Herbert began his Icaros and the music was soothing to my soul. Not an ounce of fear entered me, for which I was glad. I was both aware, but not aware, if that makes sense. Like an objective viewer of what was going on. My thoughts were scattered, flying about madly, images coming and going. At one point, I saw a set of dingy looking stairs descending into the darkness, almost like a cellar. I wanted to walk there, but the image was immediately gone. I saw images of doors and doorknobs, which I know represent what I have hidde and repressed. I respect that this night was not the night to open that door. Maybe during la dieta. I saw images of snakes, which I later found out everyone saw. Manuel says that the snake is the symbol of the Vine and this is how she shows herself to us. I also saw a beautiful BIG brown woman with braids, coming down her back. I only saw her from behind, but she was radiating love and warmth. Pachamamma, I believe. She is the Peruvian earth mamma, warm and brown. Maybe next time, she will show her face to me. Maybe her face will be mine. Besides the images I saw, I also felt a lot. Love. Enveloping. I don't truly love myself. I can say I do, but in the end, the false belief I've been carrying around with me forever is that I am dirty. Not good enough to be loved. Second rate. Second hand. And that I only deserve second hand love, not the real thing. I judge myself. Daily. I felt the Love of this Beautiful Sacred Mother filling me. Showing me how truly beautiful I am. And that I am love. I just have to awaken to it. Accept it. And then She told me She was going to make me vomit. Hate. Loathe. Disgust. Repression. Fear. Anxiety. Denial. Toxins toxins coming out of me in every burp, tear, and finally in the wretched wreching of my gut. All spewed out, ejected from my body, my belly, the core of where I hold my stuff. And when that happened, Herbert was there, praying over me, blowing the tobacco over me, around me. And I felt the sweet release and the Mother holding my hand. After the ceremony, Herbert told me my Spirits gave him a hard time and made him work really hard. They were flying all over the place and all around him. When he sent them back to me, that's when I vomited. He said he knows that he has to help me work with rooting myself, my root chakra, and that my plant allyw was ajo sacha and tobacco. More to come . . .

Peru

Flying to Peru, I must admit I had no expectations. Everytime I would close my eyes and try to imagine what would happen once I got here, I drew a blank. I think I knew I wasn't supposed to have ideas of what would come my way. Like walking blindfolded down an alley. Trust. Goddess did not disappoint. I arrived in Lima at 12:50 AM and was greeted by a driver, Frances, from Loki Hostel. He was holding, as I'd been hoping he would be, a sign that read, "Jennifer Duran". Relief swept through me and I literally did a little gleeful scream, immediately drawing his glance. He smiled and I was instantly comfortable. While he went to get his car, I said my hellos to Peru. I am still convinced that coming here is crucial somehow to my develoment. It is happening.
So, my driver decided to take me by the ocean on the way to the hostel. Even at night I was blown away by the beauty and immensity. The ocean here is different from the Gulf of Mexico. Duh, right? This is actually my first time seeing the Pacific. I had to fly all the way to South America to see it. Funny how life is. Within a few minutes, we were in front of Loki and walking in. Turns out I wasn't too impressed with this certain hostel. I'm way older than I wanted to admit because gaggles of screaming and giddy 21 year olds is not my cup of tea. Three or four of them came in realllllly late and I couldn't sleep for hours. The room was co-ed and smelled like a boys locker room and it was cramped. I know some might be thinking, "what do you expect for $8 anight?"Au contrair mi amigo.
Enter Rebecca . . . ahhh, sweet Rebecca, my angel, my sister. I met her here on this very site and we have corresponded many times regarding my trip to Peru. Well, I wake up to find a note from her on Monday morning and it makes my morning! I couldn't believe she took the time to seek me out. You know, sometimes you meet some people and they're great, but you don't know to what extent you are going to know one another, so you have no expectations. So, she has turned out to be a beautiful gift from the Mother. This is what happened.
She left her address on the note she left me, so I set out to find her immediately. I arrived at the Euro Backpacker's Hostel and asked for her. A super cutie named Franz let me in and went to find her. After a while, he beckoned me to follow him into the courtyard and pointed her room out to me. I walked up the stairs and into her room and was welcomed by the sweetest spirit EVER. From that instant, we clicked and both expressed our gratitude at having found in the other an aware woman who loved the Goddess. We talked and talked and she told me about her Ayahuasca experiences, this sacred Mother vine who could be so gentle and so chafing if the need arose. We talked about Herbert, the shaman she's been working with. I was filled with so much possibility--still am.
I also met someone who is so growing on me. For real. His name is Yoakim and is from Sweden. He's a trip and I got to get to know him yesterday and today. More about him in a bit. I also got to meet Herbert and spend a lot of time with him, too. We (me, Rebecca, Herbert, and Yoakim) hung out all yesterday afternoon and evening. We walked around, spent time looking at the ocean, laughing, having a good time. Herbert is the real deal. I was observing how at peace he is, so full of life. There is not a hypocritical bone in his body which is amazing to me. Rebecca is like him, too. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such beautiful light souls. I feel so blessed to be here in this country, meeting this Mother who I know has messages for me. Tomorrow night is when we will get together to drink from the Vine. I look forward to partaking of her goodness.
Today, I spent hanging out with Yoakim. He is funny in his own way and we are thinking about leaving here after tomorrow. I'm not a big fan of HUGE cities, and Lima is so one, so we want to try a smaller place halfway between here and Taropoto, which is where we will do the 8 day dieta.
So much more to write, especially about what is going on in my mind and spirit, but that can come tomorrow.
I am blessed!

My Cup Runneth Over

Things are daily falling into place for my trip to Peru. I am meeting people who know people . . . I may have met my Shaman. Ayahuasca is calling me. Plans are being thrown out the window. Spirit is getting me ready.

I met a woman online named Rebecca who mirrors me in many ways. She is three years younger than me, but seems wiser and older. I have learned much from her already and her courage and openness warms my heart.

She has a shaman named Herbert who I've been in contact with several times. I like him already. My spirit feels good about him and about meeting up with him in Iquitos. Perhaps I'll meet him in Lima. Spirit knows.

For now, I go to the river to take from the apple.
Blessed be my fellow Goddesses!
ALhana

Sweet sweet Goddess of my soul

Lead me on I will follow Open my eyes I will see Take me deep I will swim Fly me high I will soar Sweet Goddess Sweet Mother Dark Mother Mother of Light lead me on My soul is being prepared, opened up for what I'm going to experience. On some level, some plane, I already know. It's already happened. On this level, my higher Self is preparing me. It's as if a million sensory radars are buzzing, alive, warming up. And my soul is roaring to be set free in me. I am a dramatically different person today than even a year ago. I knew I had to take care of some business when I came home, hard business. Letting go of who I was growing up, facing up to my mother, someone who has such a strong influence over me. You see, growing up I've always been the Pleaser and the Peacemaker. I did what other people expected of me, not even knowing, or daring to know who I really was. I left Texas to find my freedom in New Mexico, land of my heart. And freedom I did find. I believe in my heart of hearts that had I not followed Spirit to a healing place, I would not be going to Peru in three days. I spent a year in sweet bliss, experiencing utter happiness and joy. It was there my wings developed. It was there I listened to my soul. It was there I finally felt free to break out of my shell. AND THEN . . . things got hard. I had an experience that shook me up. I left my job. My boyfriend and I broke up. Examining my life, my energy, I realized it was time to step up to the next level. You see, I'm not satisfied with mediocrity. With living life so/so. I want to give my all. I want to be consumed with Fire, Passion, Love, Compassion, Spirit. And this is what Goddess wants for me. The next hard thing I would have to do is confront my mom. Let go. Of so many things. Of her image of her perfect daughter. Of pleasing her. Because it is time. Spirit is burning away fears and attachments. All I have to do is let go. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh sweet aya is calling me. I feel apprehension. I feel a tinge of fear. But I can no longer turn back. I've reached, inside of me, the point of no return.

Thank Goddess for Friends!

After spending almost a whole week side by side my mother cooking for Thanksgiving, I was finally able to spend some time away from my family. I really needed it because on T-Day, my mom and I got into an argument and I stormed out towards the creek. I just needed to get away for a while and find myself-balance.

Friday night, my sister took me to pick Gillian up from work and then dropped us off at her house.

Truth or Consequences

So we ended up finding a place to stay on Saturday night. We lucked out and scored a great room at Riverbend Hot Springs in T or C. I had never been there before (T or C) and I must say, it is quite the quaint little desert town. Surprisingly, it is very artistic and cute. There's even a health food store called Little Sprouts. We had breakfast at a little hole in the wall diner called Cuchillo Cafe. Carly and I had the blue huevos rancheros; they were pretty good. After eating there, we walked down the street looking in shop windows. There seem to be quite a few alternative shops there. Hmmmmm. It was so nice to soak in the hot springs--I really needed it. We were the last people in them and some of the first people in them in the morning. There was one guy who kept trying to talk to Carly and she couldn't get away from him. It was funny. Our trip to Austin was sooooooooooooooo long. We took turns driving and made it here around 9 at night. Not bad. Seeing my family is good; I only hope this can be a relaxing visit--NO STRESS!

D-Day

Today is Departure Day #1. I'm leaving behind everything safe to me and heading to tumultous waters. I am going home for twelve days and as much as I love my family, if I'm not careful, I could drown while I'm there. I am excited to see them, especially my mom, sister, brother, and nephew.

I've enjoyed a lazy morning of finishing packing, reminiscing, being a little sad, a lot excited, being in the moment. I have this feeling that I am walking out on the old me, the new is beginning, and it's an odd sensation. I think that's why I feel kind of sad. It's normal.

J. and I had a great last hurrah before I leave. We hung out Thursday night. (I think he may have had a date Friday, which is weird, but I'm wanting him to be happy.) We met at Diego's where E. kept refilling my margaritas. I had to keep myself in check because there was no way I was going to allow myself to get all blubbery on our last night. He then took me to a sweet little restaurant called El Nito where the food is REALLY good. Man, we had the best time. There was so much intimacy between us, so much love, I could almost feel it. And you know what? We held hands, hugged, kissed to express that love. I didn't feel like we had taken steps backwards, or that we were doing things we were going to regret later, but instead, us touching each other, holding hands seemed so natural. We're not going to see each other for a long time, by which we might not be in that space. It was a tender goodbye. We went to the Hotel San Fransisco for a last Stella . . . . I love that man. I am so thankful for this graciously sweet goodbye.

Now it's time for hello . . .

Susannah and Carly are coming to pick me up and we're heading to ATX. We're hoping to find some hot springs in southern NM.

Circle of Light

Friday night was our first Santa Fe Wicca Circle and it was lovely. We're a small group of six. Santa Fe has surprisingly little Pagan culture, so you can imagine how excited I was to see Raven's posting for a circle. We met at Raven's house, got to know each other and then sat to do ritual. We used the New Moon as a time to release that which we didn't want to carry with us into our new year. We wrote them on leaves, released them in our minds, and then burned them in the cauldron. After releasing the old, we wrote our intentions we wanted to carry into the new year on a beautiful parchment to keep on our altars. We sang, and then onto cake and wine. It was simple, yet refreshing. I feel blessed to connect with others this way. It's been a long time since I've had a group of female friends. I've missed the companionship. I need kindred spirits.

Power Centers

I bought a book today about Chakras. I don't know much about them, but have been reading more about them here and there in the past two weeks. I have been feeling off, so I'm curious to see what I learn.

Evie is taking her toll on me. I just don't know that I'm mommy material. I normally don't think about this all of the time, but watching Evie these past three weeks has made me think about it on a daily basis. You give up so much of yourself when you have a child. Time. Energy. Attention. Money. And as much as I know I can do it, do I want to do it?

Beautiful

sunshine, oh sunshine
little rays of light
seeping
in
caressing my spirit~my soul
helping me
let
go.

Yay!

My passport came in yesterday!!! I can't believe how fast it arrived--I just applied for it on October 29th. I paid the expediting fee for 3 weeks, and it's worth it. I also got a reply email from a guy who's interested in starting an ecovillage in Pecos, which has been my dream. Good things . . .

So, J. called yesterday and left two messages. I'm glad he called because at least I know he doesn't hate me, which YES, I know was irrational thinking. Go figure. He basically said that he did want to stay friends, that I was the best friend he's ever had, but that he doesn't know how to be friends with me, when he gets around me he can't not go into boyfriend/girlfriend mode. That he tears up when he sees me. I'm glad he told me this, because my mind reading abilities are a little rusty. I haven't called him, I'm not really ready. I'll email him later today.

Evie, the baby girl I'm watching, just spilled a whole can of tea onto her mom's papers and stuff. I tell you, being a mom is hard work. Watching her is like getting to test drive a car. I thought I really wanted kids, but to tell you the truth, I can't be for sure. I mean, there are days when I dream about having a little girl, and we're walking along the Pecos River, barefoot, dipping our feet in the water. We sit by the side of the stream and make dandelion crowns. She is brown, like me and has light brown wavy hair. I can see it. But then, there are some days when I wonder if I'm not too selfish to have a child. Good thing I don't have to make a decision now :0).

I'm feeling a lot of dark moon energy. I'm getting ready for me releasing ceremony this Friday night. It's also the first time our circle is meeting. I've been really wishing there was a coven or circle in Santa Fe, but the closest one is an hour and a half away. Well, about a month ago, I was on Witchvox and saw a posting from a woman in Santa Fe wanting to meet other witches. I emailed her and now there are six of us, maybe seven, who will be meeting Friday night for the new moon. Thank you Goddess, for answering a prayer in my life. For meeting this need. I look forward to making new friends and family.

August, my pal, is one of the people coming to circle. I'm glad. We met last November, and he's been my closest Pagan friend. We have a crazy relationship, but beautiful. There's energy between us. I look forward to crafting with him.

Blessings and Light!

Things For Which I'm Grateful

Being Alive
Healthy
Family
Spirituality
Bella
Friends
New Mexico
Nice, cozy place to live
get to travel (Peru)
The Sun shining every day
Beautiful sunsets
Amazing sunrises
tortilla soup
a good laugh
a good cry
release through writing
release through dreaming
rocky road ice cream
August, my sweet friend
getting to connect with other souls through writing
butterflies
dragonflies
Golden Aspen Groves, my goddess, they're beautiful!
Kissing
the smell of pinon burning on a cold evening
standing in the middle of my village, not another soul in sight, everyone's home, living their lives
The amazing bed I'm getting to sleep in while nannying Evie
Hekate
Ardantane
Kwan Yin
Kali
Ixchel
people who leave comments on this blog--it's a connection, intention put forth
yoga
magick
herbs
crayons
hot cocoa
grilled cheese
BOOKS!!!
Eco villages
Natural Building (My dream job!)
Waldorf Schools
Raindrops
YOU!
JOURNALING! I've just started this journal, however, I've kept a written journal since the 3rd grade. It's like breathing . . . . writing.
Did I mention PECOS? I love this place and feel like I've known it all my life. I've lived here a year and a half, and still, when I drive home, I'm in awe of the beauty. I hope it never wears off. I feel Goddess energy all around this area.

I feel better now. There are so many good things in my life and it's so easy to forget when I focus on just the things that aren't working out for me. There is so much goodness in the world, and I think we're conditioned to focus on the negative. Consider the news. The majority of what is on the news is negative, yet it doesn't celebrate the good things that are taking place. I believe that if we started sharing the good news, happy news, then our society would see a shift in behavior and attitude.

Here are pictures of my beautiful village and surroundings.

Letting go is hard

I needed some sort of closure, to put this relationship to rest. To bed. I emailed J. that I had assumed we'd stay friends since I thought we were so connected. His actions/vibes have proved otherwise, so I can't afford to waste energy on something that is not reciprocated. However, this does make me want to feel rejected, or like something is wrong with me. The difference from me last year to this year, though, is that I am choosing to NOT believe that I'm not good enough. Or I can think I'm not good enough, play around with that feeling, only to let it go. My higher self steps in and tells me that I know the truth. And I do. Two steps forward, one step back. :0) I brought a yoga cd today to do, so I'm off. I'll write afterwards, and hopefully I'll be feeling better. Despite everything, life is good and Santa Fe is beautiful from where I'm working!

Elena Speaks . . .

I'm not really sure how I feel this morning. Sad. Hurt. Jaded. Disillusioned. Angry. Yet resigned. I went to E's house last night for dinner. Her boyfriend was coming over and she really wanted me to meet him. So I'm there, we had dinner, smoked, and they drank a lot. I had one rum and coke, then declined the subsequent offers. The guys were smoking cigarettes on the patio and I was laying on her sofa when she came into the living room. "I have to tell you something," she said, "Sometimes it really hurts, but the only one who can help you at that time is you. You have two choices, two roads you can take, and that makes the difference." I felt what she said, I understood it. Then she said, "Fuck the things that J. did; I'm no snitch, so all I can say is I want to keep you as a friend." Instantly, I was struck with a slowly seeping possibility--could J. have cheated on me?" God, that sucks! I hated the feeling and was unfamiliar with it. I had to keep up the conversation with her, the whole time wanting to ask, "Wait, Elena, do you know something I don't?" But, I knew she wouldn't divulge, and I didn't want to put her in that position, even though, technically, she put her own self there. Ay! So, that's what this whole down spell is about. So many thoughts this one comment has unleashed. Part of me wants to call him. To confront him. To make him confess. To make him hurt me openly in front of my face. Because deep down inside, I am bothered by the whole way our break up went down. Argh! He broke up with me because he "had to release me; set me free." I can drive myself crazy thinking about it, so I let the thoughts wash over me, but try not to attach myself to them. On the other hand, I know that I can choose to release him and let go. Some would call that the higher road, and others--the weaker road. I choose to call it the higher. The other road is called the Ego. This past year I've made some realizations about my Ego. And how crazy I can be when I allow Ego to rule. So I choose to let it go. I found a releasing ceremony and plan on tweaking it for me. The new moon is coming up, best time for releasing, letting go, banishing. I do feel myself growing, I can see it in me. I can read how I've grown. So, as much as it's painful to allow Saturn to visit me, obliterating what truly isn't me, leaving cavernous spaces in all of me: my identity, my soul, my heart . . . It's because I believe that this emptiness will be filled with goodness. Hope. Passion. In its own time. And all I can do is nurture my spirit, my self, look inside, clean house, and create a healthy environment for my heart, dreams, loves. And that's what I'm doing. Making the decision to go to Peru has changed my life. It's turned out to be cataclysmic. Despite the hurt I've felt as a result of these changes, I'm glad all of this is happening. It means growth, spawning, health.
I read a chapter in In Care of the Soul called "The Gifts of Depression" and I felt validated by reading it. Thomas Moore says that our society is uncomfortable with depression. Most people try to fight depression, but that it is actually a healthy part of our development, an eradicating of things not beneficial for us and allowing room (the feeling of emptiness) for things that are necessary for our growth. Challenges. Dimensions. I feel that some of the things that are dying inside of me during this time are more like themes. Attachment. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. This is not to say that I'll never feel these again, but each time I feel these things, I can look at them more objectively and the voice that haunts me grows fainter. The clear voice that balances me, opens my eyes, grows stronger.

Yurt Sweet Yurt

I went to Canela's yesterday morning to enjoy a nice, leisurely breakfast and to use their wireless internet. This cutie came onto the patio and we started talking about natural building, more specifically--yurts. Another guy overheard us talking and came to our section. He said he was interested in yurts, so I told him there was a yurt company in Pecos. I decided to have him follow me there since I wanted to see Nalina anyways. Well, turns out that Nalina asked me what my plans were when I came back from Peru; I told her I didn't know, that I was open. She got really excited and said she wanted me to work for her. I was so excited! The job is perfect for me for so many reasons:

• I could work and live in Pecos
• I loved alternative building
• Nalina is super awesome and I would love to work with her
• I could learn the ins and outs of yurt building and one day build my own

Yay! It seems since I made a clear decision about Peru, the Universe has been dropping little blessings into my lap:

• I found a friend to sublet my casita while I'm gone, saving me $500!
• I have a job lined up when I come back
• My boss voluntarily paid my vet bill ($350!)

So, things are good and I feel grateful for what I have and for the people in my life. Oh, and Ali finally emailed me! She's the woman I met on Lonely Planet from Canada. We're planning on meeting in Lima and possibly traveling together. I was glad to hear from her!

Busting Out

I've been germinating in this cocoon called life. Little did I know that I was not done developing; I still have Wings to spread. These wings will enable me to fly, soar high above attachment, self-doubt, insecurity . . . and towards the Light.

Oh, how I thought my world was crashing
and that the light was running out
that I had gone so far below that not even a ray of sunshine
could reach me
but I was incubating
my soul was dreaming
of love
and light
and purity
so that when I emerged
in case I ever forgot
my soul will remember