Tobacco Water

Last Monday night (gosh, it seems much longer than that) I met Alberto for the first time. He is the second shaman I was going to be working with besides Herbert. I had heard much about him from Rebecca, so I was ready to meet his smiling face. He has a sweet, quiet spirit, one that I came to count on and trust over the course of la dieta. He and Herbert sat us down (there were four of us at the time, but our number grew to five participants before the end of the night) and told us that they were going to talk to us individually about what we wanted to work on during la dieta. Herbert told him something about me in quick Spanish, which I didn´t catch, and they asked everyone to leave the room. Sitting in front of them, my heart knowing it was going to begin healing, I trembled silently with the weight of pain and fear. I explained to them that I had been sexually abused for two years when I was little and that I carried much guilt and shame about that. I want to have a normal sex life, a normal relationship, I told them. I don´t want this anxiety, this insecurity, awkardness hanging over me. I want to let go. Tears were streaming down my face but they felt good. A foreshadowing of what was to come. A dam being broken. A release. They told me they were going to give me Ajo Sacha as my plant ally, that it would help ground me and root me. They also said it would be a battle, one that I would have to be strong for, but I could do it. I knew I could. After talking to everyone individually, they decided we were all going to have a vomit fest that night. Alberto would make tobacco water, we´d drink a small amount and then down three huge bottles of water. We were doing to this to get us ready for la dieta and also I think because all of us were complaining of some sort of diahrrea or upset stomach. I hadn´t been able to eat for two days and had no desire to eat food. Later that evening, we all sat around outside, three 2.5 liter bottles of water, a roll of toilet paper, and a vomit bucket. I have always hated throwing up and have had an aversion to it. But this night, the liberation began. It took a while, maybe 25 minutes or so, for me to start feeling the need to expel the contents of my stomach. Others around me began throwing up, Joakim especially, and finally my first came. It was emotionally hard for me to throw up because I was not only throwing up tobacco water, but I was throwing up negativity and fear. I could almost see these things leaving my body and I began to resist. These things I´ve been saying I wanted to get rid of for so long, I had formed an attachment to them. They were, no matter how ugly, a part of me. So, I sat, and drank, and sat, and drank and peed, and finally, after almost everyone else was done, a flood came pouring out of me and I knew I was done. I was empty. I was ready. I don´t recommend that any try this at home as it is not a pleasurable experience and I think it very beneficial to have a guide with you. I´ve lost my fear of vomiting. It is just another way I´ve learned to let go. Gracias a Dios y Diosa!