Getting Aquainted

We left Tarapoto around nine am on Tuesday morning and headed toward Champato, which is further in the jungle. I found this small village to be quaint and what I pictured a small yet modern jungle village to be. My drive there was amazing as I had never seen jungle before. I couldn´t take my eyes off how green everything was! I was in love! I also knew, deep in my heart, that this was a perfect place to heal my heart, self, and body. We loaded all of our stuff in a long canoe looking boat with a motor. The river was WIDE and very brown, but still so perfect. Our ride took about fifteen minutes and then we were there. No electricity, no running water, expect the river and a small creek, of course. We met in the main hut for a short while before Herbert taking us to our huts. He had given us hammocks and mosquito nets before and I looked forward to hanging mine up. When we got the first hut, which was only about 400 feet away from the big hut, but not visible, I saw him pondering who to assign to this hut. He looked at all of our faces, before settling on me. I was disappointed, at first, but then realized I´d feel safer being that close to Herbert and Alberto. The huts were really primitive, just a shelter, but no walls. No floors, just dirt. But that´s okay. I had him help me hang my hammock and net, and then walked around to visit the others´homes. Fear is something that has been shadowing me a lot since my mushroom experience. I saw things so scary, I felt such hopelessness and felt so alone, that I couldn´t quite shake this monster Fear off my back. I was on my moon cycle when we first got there and I kept fearing that a jaguar would smell my blood and come rip me to shreds for his-her dinner. I was afraid of spiders. I was afraid of snakes. Mind you, I hadn´t even seen any of these thigns, but I was sure they were coming to get me. Herbert sensed this and wisely put me close to him. That first night, I didn´t sleep for except maybe an hour. I kept hearing sounds that, though beautiful, were so foreign and scary to me. I could literally feel my fear radiating around me and began to fear my fear. I seriously thought if animals hadn´t sensed me before, they surely were now, my fear being like a sonar radar alerting them to a vulnerable soul. Ay. Ay. Ay. The next day I spent time walking around our area, becoming familiar with our surroundings. I also spent a lot of time in my hut, trying to gather feelings of love and security. I was tired, but didn´t let myself sleep because I wanted to sleep that night. And sleep I did. I slept wonderfully. I think the ajo sacha helped. Ah, sweet, garlicy ajo satcha. A root. A garlic of the jungle. I drank it two times that day, it´s burning liquid essence taking residence in my belly, burning, chafing. It reminds me of Kali. Our meals consisted of white rice, boiled plantains and an egg. I found that I wasn´t interested in eating all of my food, so I just listened to my body. We weren´t talking to each other, but instead were living quietly, getting ready for Thursday night´s Aya session. In the jungle, I felt myself missing Jimmy a lot. My sweet man who had the heart and wisdom to release me and let me go. I tried wrapping myself in his love that first night when I was so scared. I imagined we were just camping, because when I´m with him, I´m literally not afraid of the things that normally scare me. Except that I won´t be good enough for him. Or that he´s getting bored with me. Or that I can´t please him sexually. See? The insecurity I needed to get rid of? Ultimately, my goal with this dieta was to face the monster I saw during my bad mushroom trip and to come out alive, exultant. Free.