Elena Speaks . . .

I'm not really sure how I feel this morning. Sad. Hurt. Jaded. Disillusioned. Angry. Yet resigned. I went to E's house last night for dinner. Her boyfriend was coming over and she really wanted me to meet him. So I'm there, we had dinner, smoked, and they drank a lot. I had one rum and coke, then declined the subsequent offers. The guys were smoking cigarettes on the patio and I was laying on her sofa when she came into the living room. "I have to tell you something," she said, "Sometimes it really hurts, but the only one who can help you at that time is you. You have two choices, two roads you can take, and that makes the difference." I felt what she said, I understood it. Then she said, "Fuck the things that J. did; I'm no snitch, so all I can say is I want to keep you as a friend." Instantly, I was struck with a slowly seeping possibility--could J. have cheated on me?" God, that sucks! I hated the feeling and was unfamiliar with it. I had to keep up the conversation with her, the whole time wanting to ask, "Wait, Elena, do you know something I don't?" But, I knew she wouldn't divulge, and I didn't want to put her in that position, even though, technically, she put her own self there. Ay! So, that's what this whole down spell is about. So many thoughts this one comment has unleashed. Part of me wants to call him. To confront him. To make him confess. To make him hurt me openly in front of my face. Because deep down inside, I am bothered by the whole way our break up went down. Argh! He broke up with me because he "had to release me; set me free." I can drive myself crazy thinking about it, so I let the thoughts wash over me, but try not to attach myself to them. On the other hand, I know that I can choose to release him and let go. Some would call that the higher road, and others--the weaker road. I choose to call it the higher. The other road is called the Ego. This past year I've made some realizations about my Ego. And how crazy I can be when I allow Ego to rule. So I choose to let it go. I found a releasing ceremony and plan on tweaking it for me. The new moon is coming up, best time for releasing, letting go, banishing. I do feel myself growing, I can see it in me. I can read how I've grown. So, as much as it's painful to allow Saturn to visit me, obliterating what truly isn't me, leaving cavernous spaces in all of me: my identity, my soul, my heart . . . It's because I believe that this emptiness will be filled with goodness. Hope. Passion. In its own time. And all I can do is nurture my spirit, my self, look inside, clean house, and create a healthy environment for my heart, dreams, loves. And that's what I'm doing. Making the decision to go to Peru has changed my life. It's turned out to be cataclysmic. Despite the hurt I've felt as a result of these changes, I'm glad all of this is happening. It means growth, spawning, health.
I read a chapter in In Care of the Soul called "The Gifts of Depression" and I felt validated by reading it. Thomas Moore says that our society is uncomfortable with depression. Most people try to fight depression, but that it is actually a healthy part of our development, an eradicating of things not beneficial for us and allowing room (the feeling of emptiness) for things that are necessary for our growth. Challenges. Dimensions. I feel that some of the things that are dying inside of me during this time are more like themes. Attachment. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. This is not to say that I'll never feel these again, but each time I feel these things, I can look at them more objectively and the voice that haunts me grows fainter. The clear voice that balances me, opens my eyes, grows stronger.