My Cup Runneth Over

Things are daily falling into place for my trip to Peru. I am meeting people who know people . . . I may have met my Shaman. Ayahuasca is calling me. Plans are being thrown out the window. Spirit is getting me ready.

I met a woman online named Rebecca who mirrors me in many ways. She is three years younger than me, but seems wiser and older. I have learned much from her already and her courage and openness warms my heart.

She has a shaman named Herbert who I've been in contact with several times. I like him already. My spirit feels good about him and about meeting up with him in Iquitos. Perhaps I'll meet him in Lima. Spirit knows.

For now, I go to the river to take from the apple.
Blessed be my fellow Goddesses!
ALhana

Sweet sweet Goddess of my soul

Lead me on I will follow Open my eyes I will see Take me deep I will swim Fly me high I will soar Sweet Goddess Sweet Mother Dark Mother Mother of Light lead me on My soul is being prepared, opened up for what I'm going to experience. On some level, some plane, I already know. It's already happened. On this level, my higher Self is preparing me. It's as if a million sensory radars are buzzing, alive, warming up. And my soul is roaring to be set free in me. I am a dramatically different person today than even a year ago. I knew I had to take care of some business when I came home, hard business. Letting go of who I was growing up, facing up to my mother, someone who has such a strong influence over me. You see, growing up I've always been the Pleaser and the Peacemaker. I did what other people expected of me, not even knowing, or daring to know who I really was. I left Texas to find my freedom in New Mexico, land of my heart. And freedom I did find. I believe in my heart of hearts that had I not followed Spirit to a healing place, I would not be going to Peru in three days. I spent a year in sweet bliss, experiencing utter happiness and joy. It was there my wings developed. It was there I listened to my soul. It was there I finally felt free to break out of my shell. AND THEN . . . things got hard. I had an experience that shook me up. I left my job. My boyfriend and I broke up. Examining my life, my energy, I realized it was time to step up to the next level. You see, I'm not satisfied with mediocrity. With living life so/so. I want to give my all. I want to be consumed with Fire, Passion, Love, Compassion, Spirit. And this is what Goddess wants for me. The next hard thing I would have to do is confront my mom. Let go. Of so many things. Of her image of her perfect daughter. Of pleasing her. Because it is time. Spirit is burning away fears and attachments. All I have to do is let go. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh sweet aya is calling me. I feel apprehension. I feel a tinge of fear. But I can no longer turn back. I've reached, inside of me, the point of no return.

Thank Goddess for Friends!

After spending almost a whole week side by side my mother cooking for Thanksgiving, I was finally able to spend some time away from my family. I really needed it because on T-Day, my mom and I got into an argument and I stormed out towards the creek. I just needed to get away for a while and find myself-balance.

Friday night, my sister took me to pick Gillian up from work and then dropped us off at her house.

Truth or Consequences

So we ended up finding a place to stay on Saturday night. We lucked out and scored a great room at Riverbend Hot Springs in T or C. I had never been there before (T or C) and I must say, it is quite the quaint little desert town. Surprisingly, it is very artistic and cute. There's even a health food store called Little Sprouts. We had breakfast at a little hole in the wall diner called Cuchillo Cafe. Carly and I had the blue huevos rancheros; they were pretty good. After eating there, we walked down the street looking in shop windows. There seem to be quite a few alternative shops there. Hmmmmm. It was so nice to soak in the hot springs--I really needed it. We were the last people in them and some of the first people in them in the morning. There was one guy who kept trying to talk to Carly and she couldn't get away from him. It was funny. Our trip to Austin was sooooooooooooooo long. We took turns driving and made it here around 9 at night. Not bad. Seeing my family is good; I only hope this can be a relaxing visit--NO STRESS!

D-Day

Today is Departure Day #1. I'm leaving behind everything safe to me and heading to tumultous waters. I am going home for twelve days and as much as I love my family, if I'm not careful, I could drown while I'm there. I am excited to see them, especially my mom, sister, brother, and nephew.

I've enjoyed a lazy morning of finishing packing, reminiscing, being a little sad, a lot excited, being in the moment. I have this feeling that I am walking out on the old me, the new is beginning, and it's an odd sensation. I think that's why I feel kind of sad. It's normal.

J. and I had a great last hurrah before I leave. We hung out Thursday night. (I think he may have had a date Friday, which is weird, but I'm wanting him to be happy.) We met at Diego's where E. kept refilling my margaritas. I had to keep myself in check because there was no way I was going to allow myself to get all blubbery on our last night. He then took me to a sweet little restaurant called El Nito where the food is REALLY good. Man, we had the best time. There was so much intimacy between us, so much love, I could almost feel it. And you know what? We held hands, hugged, kissed to express that love. I didn't feel like we had taken steps backwards, or that we were doing things we were going to regret later, but instead, us touching each other, holding hands seemed so natural. We're not going to see each other for a long time, by which we might not be in that space. It was a tender goodbye. We went to the Hotel San Fransisco for a last Stella . . . . I love that man. I am so thankful for this graciously sweet goodbye.

Now it's time for hello . . .

Susannah and Carly are coming to pick me up and we're heading to ATX. We're hoping to find some hot springs in southern NM.

Circle of Light

Friday night was our first Santa Fe Wicca Circle and it was lovely. We're a small group of six. Santa Fe has surprisingly little Pagan culture, so you can imagine how excited I was to see Raven's posting for a circle. We met at Raven's house, got to know each other and then sat to do ritual. We used the New Moon as a time to release that which we didn't want to carry with us into our new year. We wrote them on leaves, released them in our minds, and then burned them in the cauldron. After releasing the old, we wrote our intentions we wanted to carry into the new year on a beautiful parchment to keep on our altars. We sang, and then onto cake and wine. It was simple, yet refreshing. I feel blessed to connect with others this way. It's been a long time since I've had a group of female friends. I've missed the companionship. I need kindred spirits.

Power Centers

I bought a book today about Chakras. I don't know much about them, but have been reading more about them here and there in the past two weeks. I have been feeling off, so I'm curious to see what I learn.

Evie is taking her toll on me. I just don't know that I'm mommy material. I normally don't think about this all of the time, but watching Evie these past three weeks has made me think about it on a daily basis. You give up so much of yourself when you have a child. Time. Energy. Attention. Money. And as much as I know I can do it, do I want to do it?

Beautiful

sunshine, oh sunshine
little rays of light
seeping
in
caressing my spirit~my soul
helping me
let
go.

Yay!

My passport came in yesterday!!! I can't believe how fast it arrived--I just applied for it on October 29th. I paid the expediting fee for 3 weeks, and it's worth it. I also got a reply email from a guy who's interested in starting an ecovillage in Pecos, which has been my dream. Good things . . .

So, J. called yesterday and left two messages. I'm glad he called because at least I know he doesn't hate me, which YES, I know was irrational thinking. Go figure. He basically said that he did want to stay friends, that I was the best friend he's ever had, but that he doesn't know how to be friends with me, when he gets around me he can't not go into boyfriend/girlfriend mode. That he tears up when he sees me. I'm glad he told me this, because my mind reading abilities are a little rusty. I haven't called him, I'm not really ready. I'll email him later today.

Evie, the baby girl I'm watching, just spilled a whole can of tea onto her mom's papers and stuff. I tell you, being a mom is hard work. Watching her is like getting to test drive a car. I thought I really wanted kids, but to tell you the truth, I can't be for sure. I mean, there are days when I dream about having a little girl, and we're walking along the Pecos River, barefoot, dipping our feet in the water. We sit by the side of the stream and make dandelion crowns. She is brown, like me and has light brown wavy hair. I can see it. But then, there are some days when I wonder if I'm not too selfish to have a child. Good thing I don't have to make a decision now :0).

I'm feeling a lot of dark moon energy. I'm getting ready for me releasing ceremony this Friday night. It's also the first time our circle is meeting. I've been really wishing there was a coven or circle in Santa Fe, but the closest one is an hour and a half away. Well, about a month ago, I was on Witchvox and saw a posting from a woman in Santa Fe wanting to meet other witches. I emailed her and now there are six of us, maybe seven, who will be meeting Friday night for the new moon. Thank you Goddess, for answering a prayer in my life. For meeting this need. I look forward to making new friends and family.

August, my pal, is one of the people coming to circle. I'm glad. We met last November, and he's been my closest Pagan friend. We have a crazy relationship, but beautiful. There's energy between us. I look forward to crafting with him.

Blessings and Light!

Things For Which I'm Grateful

Being Alive
Healthy
Family
Spirituality
Bella
Friends
New Mexico
Nice, cozy place to live
get to travel (Peru)
The Sun shining every day
Beautiful sunsets
Amazing sunrises
tortilla soup
a good laugh
a good cry
release through writing
release through dreaming
rocky road ice cream
August, my sweet friend
getting to connect with other souls through writing
butterflies
dragonflies
Golden Aspen Groves, my goddess, they're beautiful!
Kissing
the smell of pinon burning on a cold evening
standing in the middle of my village, not another soul in sight, everyone's home, living their lives
The amazing bed I'm getting to sleep in while nannying Evie
Hekate
Ardantane
Kwan Yin
Kali
Ixchel
people who leave comments on this blog--it's a connection, intention put forth
yoga
magick
herbs
crayons
hot cocoa
grilled cheese
BOOKS!!!
Eco villages
Natural Building (My dream job!)
Waldorf Schools
Raindrops
YOU!
JOURNALING! I've just started this journal, however, I've kept a written journal since the 3rd grade. It's like breathing . . . . writing.
Did I mention PECOS? I love this place and feel like I've known it all my life. I've lived here a year and a half, and still, when I drive home, I'm in awe of the beauty. I hope it never wears off. I feel Goddess energy all around this area.

I feel better now. There are so many good things in my life and it's so easy to forget when I focus on just the things that aren't working out for me. There is so much goodness in the world, and I think we're conditioned to focus on the negative. Consider the news. The majority of what is on the news is negative, yet it doesn't celebrate the good things that are taking place. I believe that if we started sharing the good news, happy news, then our society would see a shift in behavior and attitude.

Here are pictures of my beautiful village and surroundings.

Letting go is hard

I needed some sort of closure, to put this relationship to rest. To bed. I emailed J. that I had assumed we'd stay friends since I thought we were so connected. His actions/vibes have proved otherwise, so I can't afford to waste energy on something that is not reciprocated. However, this does make me want to feel rejected, or like something is wrong with me. The difference from me last year to this year, though, is that I am choosing to NOT believe that I'm not good enough. Or I can think I'm not good enough, play around with that feeling, only to let it go. My higher self steps in and tells me that I know the truth. And I do. Two steps forward, one step back. :0) I brought a yoga cd today to do, so I'm off. I'll write afterwards, and hopefully I'll be feeling better. Despite everything, life is good and Santa Fe is beautiful from where I'm working!

Elena Speaks . . .

I'm not really sure how I feel this morning. Sad. Hurt. Jaded. Disillusioned. Angry. Yet resigned. I went to E's house last night for dinner. Her boyfriend was coming over and she really wanted me to meet him. So I'm there, we had dinner, smoked, and they drank a lot. I had one rum and coke, then declined the subsequent offers. The guys were smoking cigarettes on the patio and I was laying on her sofa when she came into the living room. "I have to tell you something," she said, "Sometimes it really hurts, but the only one who can help you at that time is you. You have two choices, two roads you can take, and that makes the difference." I felt what she said, I understood it. Then she said, "Fuck the things that J. did; I'm no snitch, so all I can say is I want to keep you as a friend." Instantly, I was struck with a slowly seeping possibility--could J. have cheated on me?" God, that sucks! I hated the feeling and was unfamiliar with it. I had to keep up the conversation with her, the whole time wanting to ask, "Wait, Elena, do you know something I don't?" But, I knew she wouldn't divulge, and I didn't want to put her in that position, even though, technically, she put her own self there. Ay! So, that's what this whole down spell is about. So many thoughts this one comment has unleashed. Part of me wants to call him. To confront him. To make him confess. To make him hurt me openly in front of my face. Because deep down inside, I am bothered by the whole way our break up went down. Argh! He broke up with me because he "had to release me; set me free." I can drive myself crazy thinking about it, so I let the thoughts wash over me, but try not to attach myself to them. On the other hand, I know that I can choose to release him and let go. Some would call that the higher road, and others--the weaker road. I choose to call it the higher. The other road is called the Ego. This past year I've made some realizations about my Ego. And how crazy I can be when I allow Ego to rule. So I choose to let it go. I found a releasing ceremony and plan on tweaking it for me. The new moon is coming up, best time for releasing, letting go, banishing. I do feel myself growing, I can see it in me. I can read how I've grown. So, as much as it's painful to allow Saturn to visit me, obliterating what truly isn't me, leaving cavernous spaces in all of me: my identity, my soul, my heart . . . It's because I believe that this emptiness will be filled with goodness. Hope. Passion. In its own time. And all I can do is nurture my spirit, my self, look inside, clean house, and create a healthy environment for my heart, dreams, loves. And that's what I'm doing. Making the decision to go to Peru has changed my life. It's turned out to be cataclysmic. Despite the hurt I've felt as a result of these changes, I'm glad all of this is happening. It means growth, spawning, health.
I read a chapter in In Care of the Soul called "The Gifts of Depression" and I felt validated by reading it. Thomas Moore says that our society is uncomfortable with depression. Most people try to fight depression, but that it is actually a healthy part of our development, an eradicating of things not beneficial for us and allowing room (the feeling of emptiness) for things that are necessary for our growth. Challenges. Dimensions. I feel that some of the things that are dying inside of me during this time are more like themes. Attachment. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. This is not to say that I'll never feel these again, but each time I feel these things, I can look at them more objectively and the voice that haunts me grows fainter. The clear voice that balances me, opens my eyes, grows stronger.

Yurt Sweet Yurt

I went to Canela's yesterday morning to enjoy a nice, leisurely breakfast and to use their wireless internet. This cutie came onto the patio and we started talking about natural building, more specifically--yurts. Another guy overheard us talking and came to our section. He said he was interested in yurts, so I told him there was a yurt company in Pecos. I decided to have him follow me there since I wanted to see Nalina anyways. Well, turns out that Nalina asked me what my plans were when I came back from Peru; I told her I didn't know, that I was open. She got really excited and said she wanted me to work for her. I was so excited! The job is perfect for me for so many reasons:

• I could work and live in Pecos
• I loved alternative building
• Nalina is super awesome and I would love to work with her
• I could learn the ins and outs of yurt building and one day build my own

Yay! It seems since I made a clear decision about Peru, the Universe has been dropping little blessings into my lap:

• I found a friend to sublet my casita while I'm gone, saving me $500!
• I have a job lined up when I come back
• My boss voluntarily paid my vet bill ($350!)

So, things are good and I feel grateful for what I have and for the people in my life. Oh, and Ali finally emailed me! She's the woman I met on Lonely Planet from Canada. We're planning on meeting in Lima and possibly traveling together. I was glad to hear from her!

Busting Out

I've been germinating in this cocoon called life. Little did I know that I was not done developing; I still have Wings to spread. These wings will enable me to fly, soar high above attachment, self-doubt, insecurity . . . and towards the Light.

Oh, how I thought my world was crashing
and that the light was running out
that I had gone so far below that not even a ray of sunshine
could reach me
but I was incubating
my soul was dreaming
of love
and light
and purity
so that when I emerged
in case I ever forgot
my soul will remember